I woke up at 6:30 am so excited and anxious that I couldn't sleep. So I got all ready, I put on a new pretty blousy top I bought myself because I felt so bloated lately from the little bean!! Then I woke up my AMAZING boyfriend and we were on our merry way. We were excited about this appointment because we would get to see so much more, little hands & feet (that I get to kiss one day) and probably hear the baby's heartbeat. We cherished the little bit of time we got to see inside of me.
I have been really nervous because last week my blood work came back all wonky and even though I was on the Progesterone supplements I tried to stay hopeful. So we got to the doctor's office, I was nervous as sh*t!! I even looked at my boyfriend and my eyes started filling up and he said...."don't worry baby, everything will be okay". That thought resonated within me "everything will be okay....it will be okay".
So in came the doctor, the "magic wand" went in and the words that changed the rest of my life came out.....
DOCTOR: "THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT LAST TIME RIGHT??"
ME: "YES" (EYES FILLING UP & GRABBED MY BOYFRIEND'S HAND)
DOCTOR: "YOU CAN SIT UP. I'M SO SORRY BUT I CANNOT FIND A HEARTBEAT."
I cried and cried and cried hysterically in that office, I was so loud people probably heard me from the next room....a place that just two weeks ago brought us so much joy, had ripped my heart out of my body. Emptiness filled my heart within seconds...pure, raw, f@cked up emptiness! The moment she said that I went numb and had an out of body experience just like I did the month before when they pronounced my father's time of death. I can't even put into words the feeling. My boyfriend was my rock he held me and just consoled me and told me it will be okay that we will make another one, don't worry we will make another Cubbie!!
We immediately got sent to a radiologist to take more extensive photos to make sure my doctors findings were accurate, sometimes they can be wrong....unfortunately for us they were right. The baby died and a part of me died that day too. It doesn't matter how far along you are, when you get that positive pregnancy test you become a Mom & a Dad. I was a Mom and so proud of our little creation.
We went back to the doctor's office after seeing the radiologist because she wanted to go over their findings and the next steps. So we went into her office and at that point I was still crying...basically unconsolable for the entire day. She gave us three options at this point:
1. Let the miscarriage happen naturally, which can take up to 6 to 8 weeks. It can be very emotionally draining sitting waiting for something to happen and you will have no idea where you will be when it occurs.
2. A D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
For more information on this please visit: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html
3. Cytotec (misoprostol), this is a drug that is used in the first trimester to sfely induce a miscarriage that has not yet started and bleeding has not happened yet. This medication causes the cervix todilate and the uterine lining to shed. It may be oral or vaginaldepending on the specific protocol. The miscarriage bleeding usually beginswithin a day or two after administration of the drug and progresses similarlyto a natural miscarriage. Side effects of the drugs can include pain, nausea,vomiting and diarrhea.
According to research, the success rate forcompleting a miscarriage after using misoprostol is roughly 75 to 85% and themajority of women who choose medical management are satisfied with the choicewhen interviewed later.
Risks of using medication to expedite amiscarriage (rather than having a D & C) are about the same as the risks ofmiscarrying naturally. There's a small chance of hemorrhage, infection, andneeding a D & C later on if tissue remains in the uterus. Obviously a D& C carries some small risks also, so the choice is individual -- except inthose cases where medical emergency necessitates a D & C. Length of bleeding for a medically inducedmiscarriage is about the same as for a miscarriage that happens withoutintervention (about two weeks).
For more information please visit:
http://miscarriage.about.com/od/medicaltreatmentchoices/a/misoprostol.htm
SO.....
This was a big decision to make....I wasn't able to make it right then and there so the doctor said, "while you make this decision let me give you the pills in case you decide overnight or tomorrow that you just want this to be over with so you can move on". She handed me two baggies with 4 pills each. It was two dosages in case the first dosage was not enough. She instructed me that I would need to put two pills in each cheek and let them dissolve for an hour and then the miscarriage should take place in 6 to 8 hours. She told me I would feel heavy cramping and bleeding and prescribed me Percocet. We left the doctor's office the two of us....less one tiny little piece of us. We had a lot to think about but it needed to be decided, we need to move on and put this behind us.
I am so upset right now & trying to make sense of this....why me? why us? we are good people, I take care of my body, I was taking care of myself, I eat healthy, I stopped drinking, I eliminated caffeine, I got sleep, all we want is a family. Then you have these a@@holes who do drugs, drink, smoke & just have kids to get money from the government...how is it natural selection that MY baby gets taken from me but these degenerates have kids?? Why did I have to be part of this 25% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage....just another statistic!?! F@ck that!
Our first baby angel will never be forgotten, our little Cub #1 always holds a special place in our hearts. I don't think I have ever cried this much....the tears are so strong, they flood my face in an instant. Even today a week from when we found out the baby had died I cry as if I was just told. I am not sure how this pain will go away. I pray every day that God gives me the strength to move forward, to be thankful for being given this life, to be happy, to be blessed that I can get pregnant, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to not let this destroy me....but right now all I feel is sorrow, emptiness and sadness.
(Please feel free to leave comments below. To anyone out there experiencing a loss of your little one, no matter how many weeks along you are, please feel free to leave comments or tell your story. Miscarriage is so taboo, noone likes to talk about it but for me I feel much better sharing my story.)
(Please feel free to leave comments below. To anyone out there experiencing a loss of your little one, no matter how many weeks along you are, please feel free to leave comments or tell your story. Miscarriage is so taboo, noone likes to talk about it but for me I feel much better sharing my story.)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
