From the time I was a little girl I dreamed of getting married, starting a family and having lots of little ones running around. I played dolls with my friends for hours on end....caring for my "baby", dressing it, feeding it and changing it. I'm pretty sure I played dolls until I was 12....then I became a baby sitter a couple years later. Of course in my typical fashion... I had to be the best babysitter so I took some classes at the hospital in my town to learn baby CPR, child CPR and other helpful information. It was the perfect job...I got paid to take care of kids!! I loved it!!
At first glance you would not think so because many people are too quick to jump to conclusions and judge me but the ones who know me the best, who are closest to me know how important this is. Currently I work in a demanding job at a luxury fashion house and own my own small business, but inside I still feel empty because my truest, purest, deepest dream/goal still has not come to fruition.
Over the past couple years I have been really thinking about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and know we will be together forever. We talked about starting a family and how it would happen soon. This past year we made a BIG decision....to start a family. We are very unconventional and want to do the baby before marriage thing. We know we will get married but if we are going to spend the money, we would rather spend it on beginning a family then a diamond or a wedding.
So to prepare myself, I went off BC.... Then in November (2011) we started "trying". It was after a conversation around my birthday where when he kept asking me what I wanted my answer was always "a baby".
Our definition of "trying" was doing the deed without BC (no condoms, pill or pull-and-pray). I didn't use OPK's (yet), I didn't chart BBT (yet) & I didn't use a fertility monitor (yet..lol). I just downloaded an app and tracked my fertile days and tried around those days. After a couple months I decided to look into my options with tracking fertility, other then an app. Its now 6 months later and still nothing....I remain hopeful!
I am a "planner" by nature, I set goals for myself regularly and do everything in my power to get to where I want to be. I make shit happen!! I make sacrifices daily and make decisions that may or may not work out in my favor but get me a step closer to my goal. I do this at work and I do this with my jewelry line....but cannot seem to do this with making a baby!
Through this journey I am realizing more and more every SINGLE day that not everything in life can be controlled by us....unless there is a major fertility issue and you need some sort of treatment or intervention with IVF and meds. It is truly higher then us, it's in God's hands. We just have to make sure to try and have sex during the right times and sit back and wait. The waiting part has made me learn A LOT about myself & how I deal with disappointment.
This is how it goes each month went for me:
- Taking tests to track ovulation
- Stressing about being able to have sex when we need to (in my head), how to make it fun, if my boyfriend will want to, hoping I don't ovulate when he's working nights
- Trying on days I believe to be fertile (or sometimes lucky enough to not try and have FUN)
- TWW (aka two week wait) - feeling symptoms because pregnancy mimics the same symptoms as PM...tired, sore boobs, eating a lot, bloated, gassy, etc
- Praying that your AF (aka Aunt Flow) does not show up
- Being a little late
- Getting your AF
- Crying
Last month was the first month I did not cry......it was a relief! I just thought ahead to the next month (this month) and what I would do differently and how I am closer and closer to getting pregnant now then I was before. We can only do so much and the rest is in God's hands..... there is a plan for all of us, you do not get the opportunity to see it but somehow it unfolds the way it should. It has been that way for me until now so why would it be any different with making a baby? I believe if it didn't happen yet, it's just not the right time. When it does....it will be right!
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