The Dream of Mommyhood

Archive for June 2012

Remembering Our Little One

June 15, 2012

REMEMBERING OUR LITTLE ONE!!!!

Most people are lucky enough to have photos from the beginning until week 38 or 39, for me it ended at week 8. I still feel blessed to have been able to carry my little Cub even if it was for such a short time.

4 W E E K S

My Belly - 4 Weeks Along

The tests I took :)

5 W E E K S

My Belly - 5 Weeks Along

6 W E E K S

At 6 weeks baby is the size of a pea.

My Belly - 6 Weeks Along

Our 6 Week Ultrasound :)

7 W E E K S

At 7 weeks baby is the size of a blueberry.

8 W E E K S

At this point, I did not realize it but the baby had stopped growing so I really was not 8 weeks, although my belly was getting more and more bloated by the week....thank you Progesterone & pregnancy hormones!

A F T E R

Sadly this is my belly the day after I miscarried, already a lot flatter from the other weeks. It made me really sad to know my belly would not continue to grow. I am just thankful I took pics even if this pregnancy only lasted 8 weeks, it was still a very special time for us. :(

We are now praying for a rainbow.....

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

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Who Goes to Work in the Middle of a Miscarriage? Oh That's Right....me!

This is how I feel today!!!!

Yeah...going to work while miscarrying....that's the story of my life. Okay so technically I "miscarried" last week but yesterday I had to take another round of Cytotec to get rid of "retained products" aka pregnancy tissue. It wasn't as bad but my insides are going through the same motions.

Today was painful to say the least. I thought I would be fine but the cramping was really coming on strong today. I was sitting at my desk hunched over it like a little troll. Effing miserable!! I had to go to work today because next week is a very big week at work the CEO is coming in form overseas on Monday and yours truly has to do ALL of the sales reporting for this. Oh and I was off all last week (you know why) so I had one week to do 2 weeks worth of work. The worst part is I could give two f@cking sh*ts about it. Like I REALLY CARE how many pieces we sold in March versus April or what color is selling more or what territory sells best or what out top sellers are???? N-to-the-O! I wish I could say that I do but work is work to me...it's just a paycheck, it puts a roof over our heads. I do what I do well but I am not passionate about it. This is such a joke! Can't I just stay home and take care of myself....I guess not. Reason number 599 reasons why I hate Corporate America!!!

So now I'm home with an egg white omelette, mango & blueberry smoothie because I'm too lazy to make anything else & my heating pad on my belly. Boy times have changed! Let me tell you anyone who complains about being bored at home with their baby can kiss my ___! Try being bored at home having a miscarriage!

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Here we go AGAIN!

June 14, 2012

So yesterday I had a check-up, it's been a week since I took the Cytotec & really said good-bye. They needed to do a scan to make sure all of the pregnancy tissue was gone and I had an "empty uterus". You assume that you just have to pass the fetal tissue but you forget how much other stuff is created to support your baby inside your womb.

Well.....since nothing seems to be F@CKING going right these days there is still "tissue" there, placental tissue not fetal tissue. The technical term that I saw written on my script for the radiologist was "retained products".

"The term retained products of conception (RPOC) refers to placental and/or fetal tissue that remains in the uterus after a spontaneous pregnancy loss (miscarriage), planned pregnancy termination, or preterm/term delivery. The presence of RPOC after a spontaneous pregnancy loss distinguishes an incomplete from a complete miscarriage." (Source)

The tissue really needs to be out completely or you risk serious infection.

Which means I am now in the middle of my 2nd round with Cytotec. Ding, Ding Ding! I took it at 6:15 this morning so I could get work done today since I am working from home. Thankfully the doctor said there is very little tissue to come out so it shouldn't be as painful this time and I made it a point to make sure I took the three Advil before taking the Cytotec.

On Monday I go back for a scan, if there is still tissue present then I will have to have a D&C. I have been scheduled for the D&C for next Thursday 6/21 just incase, because sadly these appointments get all booked up because so many women need them. I really hope I don't need one. Then again I feel like I am just a statistic so my prediction is I WILL need one, things just aren't going my way. I'll bet on it! I am trying not to get my head all the way up my a@@ but it's really hard right now. I am to a point where I'm ready to move on. I just want to get thought this, get my period and start trying again.

I'm really thinking on working on a project that has to do with Miscarriage Awareness...so many women don't talk about it and live in silence as if they should be embarassed about it. I know that feeling. You feel "broken" like your body failed you...but it is natural selection and its f@cking sad!!! What we go through is painful, excruciating and very lonely, even if you are surrounded by love like myself! We shall see....

MC FACT: Did you know that between 25% and 50% of all women experience at least one miscarriage, but not always having realised they were pregnant. That statistic BLOWS MY MIND!!

This whole process has really put things into perspective, who has really come through for me & for us, even more so then before. The amount of people who knew what I was going through and reached out to me to comfort is just heartwarming. My friends are amazing! My mother, who has always been a source of my strength came down to be with me for one day...she drove hours to get here just to be by my side last week and drove back home the next day. THAT is love. My boyfriend, my loving boyfriend, is a blessing I cannot imagine being with anyone else. The day we found out we lost our baby he said to me "don't worry baby we will make another one", it's like he knew exactly what I was thinking.

Over the past couple months the things we have gone through have been catastrophic but we are making it through stronger then ever. Tragic losses that one couple can endure such as a miscarriage can drive a wedge between them, resentment can arise, blame can arise and re-evaluation of relationships take place. This test has brought us so much closer....creating life TOGETHER and losing it TOGETHER saddened us to the core but we will persevere. We WILL make another baby soon, I'm sure of it. From the outside noone would know the hurt we have gone through because we both do a good job at saving face. We won't let this break us, it is just a BIG bump in the road and I am sure there will be many more but having this man by my side makes it bearable. True love....NEVER FAILS!

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A Very BIG Decision (D&C vs Cytotec)

June 7, 2012

I still cannot believe this was my "plan" to tragically lose my Father and then a month later lose my first pregnancy. Sometimes life just isn't fair and there is no way to wrap your brain around the circumstances. You just have to accept what has happened, try and be strong and move forward with your life. I will never ever forget this time of my life where I carried life inside of me or that little twinkle of a heartbeat we were blessed enough to see for our own eyes.

You will forever be my little Cub....and have a special place in my heart always. Each week without my baby is torture, knowing how far along I'd be and milestones and what could have been. But I must move on, I must be strong, because there will be one day where I am blessed enough to have another baby and all of this pain will melt away. That IS is my plan....I am sure of it.

So quickly you came into our lives,

So quickly torn away.

Never got the chance to meet you,

There's so much I want to say.

Where there once was joy and happiness,

Is now sadness, guilt, and pain.

All these thoughts running through my head,

It's enough to drive me insane.

Though you lived only eight short weeks,

You were loved so very much.

I wish that I could hold you,

I long to feel your touch.

On that morning of June 5th,

My world was ripped from under my feet.

I pray that in another life,

We get the chance to meet.

Source: A Letter To My Unborn Child, Miscarriage Poem

At my last appointment I was faced with a very hard decision, I was given 3 choices in moving forward with my pending miscarriage:

1. To miscarry naturally, this can take up to 6 to 8 weeks to occur and can be very stressful because you are essentially just waiting and will not know when the time will come. You could be home, at work, at the grocery store, etc.

2. A D&C, which is a surgery called dilation and curettage. You are put under general anestesia and an instrument is inserted into your uterus to dialate the cervix and another devide is inserted to scrape and/or vaccuum out the pregnancy tissue. Although this option is quicker and less painful emotionally because you do not see the fetus or tissue there are more risks.

3. Take a medication, Cytotec, to induce the miscarriage.

I made the decision to take Cytotec. This is a very personal decision and everyone is different. I spoke to a few friends that had both as well as a natural spontaneous mc and it didn't make things easier. A D&C is very quick, you are in and out of the doctor's office within a few hours and there is no cramping and barely any bleeding. It allows you to move on at the same time it is very sudden. This option is probably better if the doctor needs to test the tissue because they can just take it out versus you having to scoop it out of the toilet and put it in a baggy. I was not asked for the tissue. With Cytotec it can be very painful (as with a normal miscarriage) and there is a lot of clotting and bleeding involved. One friend described the pain to me as "violent" and looking back she wasn't kidding. The medication makes your cervix dilate and causes "severe uterine contractions"....and THIS is why the doctor prescribes a pain medication to go along with it.

My reason for not getting a D&C was because the complications that can arise. I was so afraid I would be THAT person or percent that it would happen to...so much sh*t has been going on in my life that is out of my control and this is one thing that I could make a decision on. I am a person who does not want to live with regret, even if it means being in a lot of pain. I wanted this to happen as naturally as possible, for my baby to come out on it's own as nature had intended (with a little help from medication). I did not want to be put under and have instruments put in ma and have my uterus scraped and vacuumed. It may sound weird to other people who got a D&C but I don't care. It is a very personal thing and everyone's view will differ.

My day was spent on the couch (and toilet) with these things in front of me, my journal, a yummy candle, tissues from the endless tears, a bottle of Perocet and my dosage of Cytotec.

Below is my story/ timeline of my experience with Cytotec, also known as misoprostol. I am not one to sugarcoat things and want to be as real as possible so anyone who is going through what I went through will know what to expect. All the doctor told me was "you will have cramping like a bad period and heavy bleeding". They don't tell you that depending on the person and how far along you are that the pain can be so bad that you feel like you will go into shock or pass out, that you feel like the Incredible Hulk and could rip the door off it's hinges or put your entire arm through a wall.

So here we go.....

9:15am: I inserted the pills between my cheeks and gums....2 in each side so a total of 4. It took approx 1 hour to fully dissolve, maybe a little longer because I was parched. It was so effing annoying to wait bc I was so parched and nervous!

10:30am: I felt "stuff" going on down there below the belt, I couldn't decide if it was gas or cramps....felt like both.

11:30am: Started feeling crampy, not too bad but def feel it, like period cramps

11:38am: I went to the bathroom because I felt a sudden urge to poop. I was so nervous. Well, I basically pee'd out my ass!! Diarreah is a side effect and man did I have it!!! Kept looking to see if anything else was passing. I flushed then pushed again and two light greyish chunks came out with blood. Looking back now that was some of the fetal tissue. :(

11:49am: The pain is at about a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Decided to take a percocet to nip it in the bud before it gets worse (looking back....should have took it earlier....like around 11am)

12:55pm: There is pain & pressure that makes you feel like you have to poop. I think it's like labor (although I have never experienced that, but I can imagine)....I sat on the toilet folded over my legs. Stayed there for about 10 minutes & a little clotting and more grey tissue passed. :(

Between 1pm and 2:45pm I wasn't able to write in my journal because the pain was so excruciating. 2:45 I popped another perc because the one i took at 11:45 had no effect! N O N E!! I can't even describe the pain because I had no point of reference to compare but it got so bad I felt like I was going to pass out.....my mom said my face was pure white. If I could rate the pain between a 1 and 10 it would be a 15...maybe 20. Mind you I have a very high pain threshold so I'm not being dramatic. During the most painful time I passed all the fetal tissue....so maybe that has to do with it. I can't tell you how emotionally painful it was flushing my little "Cubbie" down the toilet. This is something noone can be prepared for. I felt myself become "detached" it's a defense mechanism that my brain did to make this process easier. I'm just glad I wasn't further along because it didn't look like a real baby with arms and legs because it stopped growing. Eventhough I was 8 weeks along the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I knew what it was because it was on the toilet paper when I wiped and not in the toilet, it was a grey fleshy color with nubs, it was hard and about the size of an M&M. Also had more diarreah and threw up. Nothing like being kicked when your down. It's a cruel f@cking joke!

4:40pm: I walked around the apartment to get things going because nothing was really coming out. I figured I would be bleeding like crazy.

Later on that night the bleeding began and huge clots of blood would come out when I peed. Huge like organ size!!! Did I say HUGE?? So don't get scared. It is also a very weird sensation passing these clots because they are so big. At one point I called in my boyfriend because I couldn't believe my eyes. He was like "is that a piece of your liver coming out" then he gagged.

The next day was a lot of blood.....but no more fetal tissue. I still can't believe how much blood came out.....our uterus/home for our babies were rich with blood and that becomes VERY clear to you. It's just amazing. The female body is truly amazing!!

This is a very physically & mentally painful thing to do. Below is my advice to ANYONE who is faced with having to take this medication.

1. Take three Advil or Motrin prior to placing the Cytotec in. This is actually something I forgot to do. My doctor advised me and I forgot....so stupid! It makes a world of difference!

2. Take the percocets early to be safe to save yourself from unecessary pain. The doctor prescribes it for a reason. I waited too long so I felt too much of the bad pains. I took one and probably should have taken 2 as it said 1 to 2 every 4 hours. So as SOON as the pills dissolve take the Percocet.

3. Take your pain meds 4 hours later just incase!!!

3. Get some Gatorade and juice because you will not feel like eating and you need to stay hydrated and keep your blood sugar in check. I went through a Gatorade and 3 Honest Ades.

4. Eat a FULL meal in the morning before you do this. I'm being serious. It may all come out one way or another and you need strength. Even if it's just a bagel.

5. Buy Super Maxi Pads. I have never worn a pad in my life so had no idea what to get. Wear it as soon as you start just incase you bleed. I went through over 24 pads in 4 days. They didn't completely fill up but I hate pads so I changed them frequently.

6. Have someone there with you. Although they will feel helpless you need the support and if anything happens you will feel safe knowing they can take you to a hospital. It's also very comforting because as it is you feel so alone.

7. If the pain gets unbearable as it did for me I felt like being in fetal positing rocking back and forth on my bed helped. My mom rubbed my back for a while and that REALLY helped!!! Also I used a heating pad on my belly and back....two at the same time.

I hope my suggestions help for those going through this very sad and traumatic ordeal. Some people are different and don't have such strong pains, but I was one that did. I'm going to be real with you.....it was very traumatic...the pain, seeing the fetal tissue and knowing what was happening at that moment. But I stand behind my decision with choosing this over a D&C and will never look back with regret. Although its not over as quick as it would be with a D&C it's safer and you end up feeling like you have a bad period.

I feel so empty inside....going from living each day knowing a life YOU CREATED is growing at a furious pace inside you to passing it and where that baby was growing is now filled with pain and cramping.

"When something bad happens we have three choices. You can either choose to let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you."

"YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK."

"YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE."

"I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THIS HORROR. I CAN TAKE THE NEXT THING THAT COMES ALONG." | ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

"COURAGE IS BEING SCARED TO DEATH BUT SADDLING UP ANYWAY." | JOHN WAYNE

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An Unexpected Turn....Why is Life So F@cking Unfair???

June 6, 2012

On Tuesday June 5th, 2012 I had just got back from a week long business trip in Las Vegas where I was up on my feet all day long everyday and on the go in a different time zone. On top of it our flight was delayed so I didn't get in until 2:30 am....but I didn't care because our 8 week appointment was today!!!!!! HOORAY!!!! While being away I had some light spotting the day before I left Vegas, but this time there was a tiny spot of pink...the doctor appointment could not come soon enough....I needed my fears to be put to rest! (AGAIN)

I woke up at 6:30 am so excited and anxious that I couldn't sleep. So I got all ready, I put on a new pretty blousy top I bought myself because I felt so bloated lately from the little bean!! Then I woke up my AMAZING boyfriend and we were on our merry way. We were excited about this appointment because we would get to see so much more, little hands & feet (that I get to kiss one day) and probably hear the baby's heartbeat. We cherished the little bit of time we got to see inside of me.

I have been really nervous because last week my blood work came back all wonky and even though I was on the Progesterone supplements I tried to stay hopeful. So we got to the doctor's office, I was nervous as sh*t!! I even looked at my boyfriend and my eyes started filling up and he said...."don't worry baby, everything will be okay". That thought resonated within me "everything will be okay....it will be okay".

So in came the doctor, the "magic wand" went in and the words that changed the rest of my life came out.....

DOCTOR: "THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT LAST TIME RIGHT??"

ME: "YES" (EYES FILLING UP & GRABBED MY BOYFRIEND'S HAND)

DOCTOR: "YOU CAN SIT UP. I'M SO SORRY BUT I CANNOT FIND A HEARTBEAT."

I cried and cried and cried hysterically in that office, I was so loud people probably heard me from the next room....a place that just two weeks ago brought us so much joy, had ripped my heart out of my body. Emptiness filled my heart within seconds...pure, raw, f@cked up emptiness! The moment she said that I went numb and had an out of body experience just like I did the month before when they pronounced my father's time of death. I can't even put into words the feeling. My boyfriend was my rock he held me and just consoled me and told me it will be okay that we will make another one, don't worry we will make another Cubbie!!

We immediately got sent to a radiologist to take more extensive photos to make sure my doctors findings were accurate, sometimes they can be wrong....unfortunately for us they were right. The baby died and a part of me died that day too. It doesn't matter how far along you are, when you get that positive pregnancy test you become a Mom & a Dad. I was a Mom and so proud of our little creation.

We went back to the doctor's office after seeing the radiologist because she wanted to go over their findings and the next steps. So we went into her office and at that point I was still crying...basically unconsolable for the entire day. She gave us three options at this point:

1. Let the miscarriage happen naturally, which can take up to 6 to 8 weeks. It can be very emotionally draining sitting waiting for something to happen and you will have no idea where you will be when it occurs.

2. A D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.

For more information on this please visit: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html

3. Cytotec (misoprostol), this is a drug that is used in the first trimester to sfely induce a miscarriage that has not yet started and bleeding has not happened yet. This medication causes the cervix todilate and the uterine lining to shed. It may be oral or vaginaldepending on the specific protocol. The miscarriage bleeding usually beginswithin a day or two after administration of the drug and progresses similarlyto a natural miscarriage. Side effects of the drugs can include pain, nausea,vomiting and diarrhea.

According to research, the success rate forcompleting a miscarriage after using misoprostol is roughly 75 to 85% and themajority of women who choose medical management are satisfied with the choicewhen interviewed later.

Risks of using medication to expedite amiscarriage (rather than having a D & C) are about the same as the risks ofmiscarrying naturally. There's a small chance of hemorrhage, infection, andneeding a D & C later on if tissue remains in the uterus. Obviously a D& C carries some small risks also, so the choice is individual -- except inthose cases where medical emergency necessitates a D & C. Length of bleeding for a medically inducedmiscarriage is about the same as for a miscarriage that happens withoutintervention (about two weeks).

For more information please visit:

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/medicaltreatmentchoices/a/misoprostol.htm

SO.....

This was a big decision to make....I wasn't able to make it right then and there so the doctor said, "while you make this decision let me give you the pills in case you decide overnight or tomorrow that you just want this to be over with so you can move on". She handed me two baggies with 4 pills each. It was two dosages in case the first dosage was not enough. She instructed me that I would need to put two pills in each cheek and let them dissolve for an hour and then the miscarriage should take place in 6 to 8 hours. She told me I would feel heavy cramping and bleeding and prescribed me Percocet. We left the doctor's office the two of us....less one tiny little piece of us. We had a lot to think about but it needed to be decided, we need to move on and put this behind us.

I am so upset right now & trying to make sense of this....why me? why us? we are good people, I take care of my body, I was taking care of myself, I eat healthy, I stopped drinking, I eliminated caffeine, I got sleep, all we want is a family. Then you have these a@@holes who do drugs, drink, smoke & just have kids to get money from the government...how is it natural selection that MY baby gets taken from me but these degenerates have kids?? Why did I have to be part of this 25% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage....just another statistic!?! F@ck that!

Our first baby angel will never be forgotten, our little Cub #1 always holds a special place in our hearts. I don't think I have ever cried this much....the tears are so strong, they flood my face in an instant. Even today a week from when we found out the baby had died I cry as if I was just told. I am not sure how this pain will go away. I pray every day that God gives me the strength to move forward, to be thankful for being given this life, to be happy, to be blessed that I can get pregnant, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to not let this destroy me....but right now all I feel is sorrow, emptiness and sadness.

(Please feel free to leave comments below. To anyone out there experiencing a loss of your little one, no matter how many weeks along you are, please feel free to leave comments or tell your story. Miscarriage is so taboo, noone likes to talk about it but for me I feel much better sharing my story.)