I still cannot believe this was my "plan" to tragically lose my Father and then a month later lose my first pregnancy. Sometimes life just isn't fair and there is no way to wrap your brain around the circumstances. You just have to accept what has happened, try and be strong and move forward with your life. I will never ever forget this time of my life where I carried life inside of me or that little twinkle of a heartbeat we were blessed enough to see for our own eyes.
You will forever be my little Cub....and have a special place in my heart always. Each week without my baby is torture, knowing how far along I'd be and milestones and what could have been. But I must move on, I must be strong, because there will be one day where I am blessed enough to have another baby and all of this pain will melt away. That IS is my plan....I am sure of it.
You will forever be my little Cub....and have a special place in my heart always. Each week without my baby is torture, knowing how far along I'd be and milestones and what could have been. But I must move on, I must be strong, because there will be one day where I am blessed enough to have another baby and all of this pain will melt away. That IS is my plan....I am sure of it.
So quickly you came into our lives,
So quickly torn away.
Never got the chance to meet you,
There's so much I want to say.
Where there once was joy and happiness,
Is now sadness, guilt, and pain.
All these thoughts running through my head,
It's enough to drive me insane.
Though you lived only eight short weeks,
You were loved so very much.
I wish that I could hold you,
I long to feel your touch.
On that morning of June 5th,
My world was ripped from under my feet.
I pray that in another life,
We get the chance to meet.
At my last appointment I was faced with a very hard decision, I was given 3 choices in moving forward with my pending miscarriage:
1. To miscarry naturally, this can take up to 6 to 8 weeks to occur and can be very stressful because you are essentially just waiting and will not know when the time will come. You could be home, at work, at the grocery store, etc.
2. A D&C, which is a surgery called dilation and curettage. You are put under general anestesia and an instrument is inserted into your uterus to dialate the cervix and another devide is inserted to scrape and/or vaccuum out the pregnancy tissue. Although this option is quicker and less painful emotionally because you do not see the fetus or tissue there are more risks.
3. Take a medication, Cytotec, to induce the miscarriage.
I made the decision to take Cytotec. This is a very personal decision and everyone is different. I spoke to a few friends that had both as well as a natural spontaneous mc and it didn't make things easier. A D&C is very quick, you are in and out of the doctor's office within a few hours and there is no cramping and barely any bleeding. It allows you to move on at the same time it is very sudden. This option is probably better if the doctor needs to test the tissue because they can just take it out versus you having to scoop it out of the toilet and put it in a baggy. I was not asked for the tissue. With Cytotec it can be very painful (as with a normal miscarriage) and there is a lot of clotting and bleeding involved. One friend described the pain to me as "violent" and looking back she wasn't kidding. The medication makes your cervix dilate and causes "severe uterine contractions"....and THIS is why the doctor prescribes a pain medication to go along with it.
My reason for not getting a D&C was because the complications that can arise. I was so afraid I would be THAT person or percent that it would happen to...so much sh*t has been going on in my life that is out of my control and this is one thing that I could make a decision on. I am a person who does not want to live with regret, even if it means being in a lot of pain. I wanted this to happen as naturally as possible, for my baby to come out on it's own as nature had intended (with a little help from medication). I did not want to be put under and have instruments put in ma and have my uterus scraped and vacuumed. It may sound weird to other people who got a D&C but I don't care. It is a very personal thing and everyone's view will differ.
 |
| My day was spent on the couch (and toilet) with these things in front of me, my journal, a yummy candle, tissues from the endless tears, a bottle of Perocet and my dosage of Cytotec. |
Below is my story/ timeline of my experience with Cytotec, also known as misoprostol. I am not one to sugarcoat things and want to be as real as possible so anyone who is going through what I went through will know what to expect. All the doctor told me was "you will have cramping like a bad period and heavy bleeding". They don't tell you that depending on the person and how far along you are that the pain can be so bad that you feel like you will go into shock or pass out, that you feel like the Incredible Hulk and could rip the door off it's hinges or put your entire arm through a wall.
So here we go.....
9:15am: I inserted the pills between my cheeks and gums....2 in each side so a total of 4. It took approx 1 hour to fully dissolve, maybe a little longer because I was parched. It was so effing annoying to wait bc I was so parched and nervous!
10:30am: I felt "stuff" going on down there below the belt, I couldn't decide if it was gas or cramps....felt like both.
11:30am: Started feeling crampy, not too bad but def feel it, like period cramps
11:38am: I went to the bathroom because I felt a sudden urge to poop. I was so nervous. Well, I basically pee'd out my ass!! Diarreah is a side effect and man did I have it!!! Kept looking to see if anything else was passing. I flushed then pushed again and two light greyish chunks came out with blood. Looking back now that was some of the fetal tissue. :(
11:49am: The pain is at about a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Decided to take a percocet to nip it in the bud before it gets worse (looking back....should have took it earlier....like around 11am)
12:55pm: There is pain & pressure that makes you feel like you have to poop. I think it's like labor (although I have never experienced that, but I can imagine)....I sat on the toilet folded over my legs. Stayed there for about 10 minutes & a little clotting and more grey tissue passed. :(
Between 1pm and 2:45pm I wasn't able to write in my journal because the pain was so excruciating. 2:45 I popped another perc because the one i took at 11:45 had no effect! N O N E!! I can't even describe the pain because I had no point of reference to compare but it got so bad I felt like I was going to pass out.....my mom said my face was pure white. If I could rate the pain between a 1 and 10 it would be a 15...maybe 20. Mind you I have a very high pain threshold so I'm not being dramatic. During the most painful time I passed all the fetal tissue....so maybe that has to do with it. I can't tell you how emotionally painful it was flushing my little "Cubbie" down the toilet. This is something noone can be prepared for. I felt myself become "detached" it's a defense mechanism that my brain did to make this process easier. I'm just glad I wasn't further along because it didn't look like a real baby with arms and legs because it stopped growing. Eventhough I was 8 weeks along the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I knew what it was because it was on the toilet paper when I wiped and not in the toilet, it was a grey fleshy color with nubs, it was hard and about the size of an M&M. Also had more diarreah and threw up. Nothing like being kicked when your down. It's a cruel f@cking joke!
4:40pm: I walked around the apartment to get things going because nothing was really coming out. I figured I would be bleeding like crazy.
Later on that night the bleeding began and huge clots of blood would come out when I peed. Huge like organ size!!! Did I say HUGE?? So don't get scared. It is also a very weird sensation passing these clots because they are so big. At one point I called in my boyfriend because I couldn't believe my eyes. He was like "is that a piece of your liver coming out" then he gagged.
The next day was a lot of blood.....but no more fetal tissue. I still can't believe how much blood came out.....our uterus/home for our babies were rich with blood and that becomes VERY clear to you. It's just amazing. The female body is truly amazing!!
This is a very physically & mentally painful thing to do. Below is my advice to ANYONE who is faced with having to take this medication.
1. Take three Advil or Motrin prior to placing the Cytotec in. This is actually something I forgot to do. My doctor advised me and I forgot....so stupid! It makes a world of difference!
2. Take the percocets early to be safe to save yourself from unecessary pain. The doctor prescribes it for a reason. I waited too long so I felt too much of the bad pains. I took one and probably should have taken 2 as it said 1 to 2 every 4 hours. So as SOON as the pills dissolve take the Percocet.
3. Take your pain meds 4 hours later just incase!!!
3. Get some Gatorade and juice because you will not feel like eating and you need to stay hydrated and keep your blood sugar in check. I went through a Gatorade and 3 Honest Ades.
4. Eat a FULL meal in the morning before you do this. I'm being serious. It may all come out one way or another and you need strength. Even if it's just a bagel.
5. Buy Super Maxi Pads. I have never worn a pad in my life so had no idea what to get. Wear it as soon as you start just incase you bleed. I went through over 24 pads in 4 days. They didn't completely fill up but I hate pads so I changed them frequently.
6. Have someone there with you. Although they will feel helpless you need the support and if anything happens you will feel safe knowing they can take you to a hospital. It's also very comforting because as it is you feel so alone.
7. If the pain gets unbearable as it did for me I felt like being in fetal positing rocking back and forth on my bed helped. My mom rubbed my back for a while and that REALLY helped!!! Also I used a heating pad on my belly and back....two at the same time.
I hope my suggestions help for those going through this very sad and traumatic ordeal. Some people are different and don't have such strong pains, but I was one that did. I'm going to be real with you.....it was very traumatic...the pain, seeing the fetal tissue and knowing what was happening at that moment. But I stand behind my decision with choosing this over a D&C and will never look back with regret. Although its not over as quick as it would be with a D&C it's safer and you end up feeling like you have a bad period.
I feel so empty inside....going from living each day knowing a life YOU CREATED is growing at a furious pace inside you to passing it and where that baby was growing is now filled with pain and cramping.
I feel so empty inside....going from living each day knowing a life YOU CREATED is growing at a furious pace inside you to passing it and where that baby was growing is now filled with pain and cramping.
"When something bad happens we have three choices. You can either choose to let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you."
"YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK."
"YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE."
"I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THIS HORROR. I CAN TAKE THE NEXT THING THAT COMES ALONG." | ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
"COURAGE IS BEING SCARED TO DEATH BUT SADDLING UP ANYWAY." | JOHN WAYNE
Thank you so much for writing this - it is one of the best 'reviews' of cytotec I have read. I am currently in the stressful position of deciding how to handle my missed miscarriage, and in my heart I want to do the more natural route at home. Thank you for sharing your experience!
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Just wanted to say thanks for sharing and also share my very recent experience. At 10 wk checkup I found out that the baby stopped growing at 7w4d, and there was no more heartbeat. I didn't have any spotting so the OB suggested the usual 3 options - wait, misoprostol, D&C. I definitely didn't want to wait, so I was torn between D&C (for me psychologically easier, but about 3K out of pocket plus small risk of scarring) - or misoprostol which may still end up in D&C later and which was described as a horrible, painful at home experience on many sites. I spoke to a doctor friend and he recommended misprostol.
ReplyDeleteI had a very POSITIVE and EASY experience with misoprostol. I took 800 ibuprofen at 7 am, 800 mcg misoprostol at 8 am, had slight bleeding at 9 am, which turned into heavy period level bleeding by 10. I took another 800 mcg misoprostol just before noon (an hour later than directed cause I didn't want to chew the tablets instead of lunch...), and the bleeding was very strong by then - overnight pad soaked in about 2 hrs, plus loads of large clots coming out every bathroom visit. I drank a lot of water, I took another 800 ibuprofen at 3 pm. I felt moderate menstrual level cramps, but nothing that required hydrocodone that was also given to me to take "as needed". I felt like everything was slowing down by dinner time, but on my dr friend advice I took the last dose of misporostol just to be sure. I don't think that last one had any effect because the process was over by then. I took one more ibuprofen before dinner, slept through the night and had moderate bleeding (like a normal heavy period overnight level). 2 days later I did an ultrasound at the OB, and it looks like everything came out, but I still need to do some bloodwork to be certain. It was most certainly traumatic because the pregnancy was so abruptly over, and all the thoughts and plans we had for this baby suddenly evaporated, but the physical effects from taking the pill were mild to moderate, and the cost of the treatment was negligible. I hope I never have to do this again, but I if I have to, I'd choose the medication route again. I feel like people are more likely to describe their experience if it's a HORROR story, and I was really worried. Apparently, at least in some cases - like mine - it's really not that big of a deal (physically).
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